Does it ever happen whenever it seems that you are on a roll, that you are doing the good thing, that you are losing weight, making progress on your writing or learning a new language that the universe somehow conspires to nip it all in the bud? It almost seems like nobody wants to see you make something of yourself; that nobody in the entire world will allow you to achieve whatever it is that you are trying to do.
Suddenly, everybody and their uncle is there to demand that you do something for them. Your car breaks down. You get a boil on your backside. Work is more stress filled than normal and you can't seem to make time for these things that you want to do.
What do you do? I used to give up. It was like a sign from the universe that whatever it was that I was doing wasn't the right thing for me to be doing. So, I gave up. It was the easier thing to do. I started eating Pop Tarts in the evening. I'd make an apple pie to make me feel better and then eat most of it. I'd stop writing and concentrate more on what was on television. I'd stop exercising. It was an uphill battle and trying to do those "good" things and handle all the damn emergencies that seemed to be popping up everywhere in my life at the same time was just too much for me to do. So, I gave up and handled the emergencies, ate more comfort food, whined a lot and watched television.
This all sounds pretty pitiful, except it was a pattern that had been long established with me. I'm thinking there must be other people who do the same thing.
I am trying to come around to a different way of looking at these roadblocks. I try not to think the universe is conspiring to thwart me in my efforts. I think I am doing it. It seems pretty improbable when you first visit this idea. I don't have control over other people's needs and emergencies. If they come to me and expect me to fix whatever it is that is wrong I can't control that, can I? What about a car emergency? I don't have any control over that. I didn't make that happen.
Okay, so say I was in a better frame of mind. Say I was in a different frame of mind from what I am when I allow all that crappy stuff to interfere with what I want to do. What if I were to not be bothered by a broken down car? What if I didn't have the money to repair my car? What if I had to take the bus for a couple of weeks until I could save up enough to have a mechanic look at it? I think I could live with that.
What if all these needy people who come to me to fix their stupid problems were told to wait until I had time to get to them? What if I said I would put their request on a list and would attend to it when I had time rather than interrupt what I was doing and take care of them? Makes my heart beat faster just thinking about it. Practice: "Fine. I can't do it right now, but I will the minute I can get to it. I'll put your request on a list." Then, I will do them in order of arrival. My heart is beating even faster. This is exciting. Imagine what they will say. Maybe, hopefully, they will be speechless.
It's the new me. I can handle this.
However, I haven't yet visited the real reason yea old monkey wrench is getting involved with what I want to do. I've thought about a new way I can handle these things, but how to get to the heart of the matter and find out what is going on here?
I think this is an opportunity for me to ask myself what's going on.
Have you ever done that? It actually doesn't take very long to do. Start by taking a deep breath. Be in a place where you won't be disturbed for a few minutes. Take a deep breath, close your eyes and with the intention of seeing into your own heart of hearts and sink a little bit, just a little bit into your heart. This is a sort of imaginary thing you are doing. You're sinking past the professional you. You're sinking past the middle aged version of yourself. You're sinking past the fabulous society matron to your heart of hearts. This is the part of you that runs the ship. This is the part of you that travels with you from one lifetime into the next. This is the brains of the outfit. Your heart of hearts. You'll get some answers here.
Now, that you are quiet and sunk into a quiet meditative place ask yourself, your heart of hearts ask yourself, "What is bothering me?"
And, wait for an answer.
The answer can come at you in a barrage of words. The answer can come to you as if it rises on the mist of dew evaporating in a new dawn's light. Softly it can come to you. The answer can come to you as a flash of understanding. The answer could in some way be connected to something that happened to you a long time ago. You might not really understand what you are seeing or hearing or sensing. But, you asked your heart of hearts and you just got an answer. Take a deep breath again and sit with what you just experienced. Just for a few seconds or so.
Ask yourself, "How did I get there? How did this happen? Did I really have any control over it?" Experience the answer to these questions.
And, ask yourself another question.
The information you received might have something to do with an experience you had as a child. As an adult, the adult thing to do would be to speak out and make your wishes or needs known. You can take this skill that you have as an adult and give it to the small child who still lives in your heart. In your mind's eye stand as an adult beside the small child you were and show that small child they can be safe and say something. If the child could not say no because saying no would upset the mother or father, perhaps with your help the child feels safe enough to say no now. You are there to protect them. You are there to teach them and to tell them that it is okay now. If the child is too short to look anybody they want to talk to in the eye help them to stand on a table so that they can be taller and speak. If it is anger they need to express give them, all in your mind's eye, a plastic baseball bat that they can whack away at the table top with. If they want to say that they were asked to grow up too soon, that too much was expected of them as a child let them say that too. Interestingly, they will probably respond with a small child's vocabulary. But, you're there to help.
Come away from this inner child work, come back to your study or your bedroom. Take a deep breath and know that you just did a tremendous thing.
You'll probably need to do this again. It isn't a one time fix. But, you'll get to know the signals when it's time for you to do a quick little inner child healing. You'll start having fights with people you don't normally disagree with. For me a clue is all the dumb crappy drivers in the world seem to be attracted to me like flies.
This small technique helps me to get back on track again. Hopefully, it will help you too.